With the passage of time, the seasons were revolving around and around again. The hand of the clock was both cruel and merciful, and nothing could stop the ticking away of my life. Whether I was content or dissatisfied with my life, regardless, the flow of time was passing on. Nature, always punctual, always knowing when it’s time for the onset of the next season of life.
People said that time would heal my loss. They said someday I would be able to find meaning through the power of this life lesson. However, for me, as time went by, I became more precocious and nihilistic. The hurt from the death of my father was still deep inside of me.
Six spring times had passed since my father disappeared from my life. Even so, I could still feel those scars, and I didn’t know how to give vent to my sorrow. My life was swamped with study and daily chores, and though I usually didn’t ponder these wounds, they were living quietly in an obscure corner of my heart.
I turned twenty-one. When I heard the newly hatched birds chirping, I decided to move out of my house. I didn’t even want to call it my home. My old nest, the place where I didn’t belong. I hated it; I felt rigid and tight. I didn’t fit in there. I flapped and fluttered my wings and then flew away from that old nest. My fledgling wings were still not strong enough to fly very far. Nonetheless, I believed in my own strength. I knew I could do this. I finally had gained my freedom.
Illusion – I thought I was mature and grown, capable of flying into the tempest and headwinds, handling my own affairs, my own life. No one could tell me how I should live or where I would go or what I must do. I had the autonomy to fly off in any direction, wherever I desired. When I grew tired and needed a rest, I would go back to my new nest. My own little new nest, that I loved the most. A place of my own, a little castle, cozy and pleasant.
Illusion – I thought I was the boss of my life. Throwing off the shackles of others. Exercising my personal authority. Free from restraints and confines.
I thought I could fly away into the big sky, without the needle of a compass. Soon I would realize that I had come to a dead end. I had nowhere to set off to. I didn’t know which direction I should fly. I was heading down the path laid out for me by Someone Else …